Fulfilled and Unfulfilled

I had a realization today that I am becoming more and more fulfilled with my career. Two years ago, I never would have thought I'd have that feeling! But, here I am, really really happy at work! I adore the people I work with. They are smart, savvy, respectful, and overall loving people. They are nice to me, they think my ideas are good, they think I am funny. I find that I am now my happiest while I am at work.

While this is not the worst thing in the world, I mean, most people, I assume, would like to have a job they love and work with people they adore. So, I am not complaining about all that. I am however, noticing that I really am, only happy, when I am at my job. I am, truly grateful for this fact, but I just want more. Is it wrong to want more?

I noticed tonight, as I pulled into my driveway, that I started to cry. I feel super sad and bummed out. All my colleagues are busy tonight... with their family, friends, lovers, etc... So I sit at home, night after night, alone, and am extremely sad.

I am so far off balance, which for a Libra, is a HUGE deal. My only real piece of identity now is my job. I am so disconnected from love, sex, activities, hobbies, anything. All I do is work. Work, home, cry, repeat.

This sucks. This is depression.

The Greatest Man

A few years ago, I remember pondering the men I trusted.  Sadly, the list wasn't very long, and as I grew older, the list only grew smaller. On December 26th, that list dwindled even more.

My Grandfather was at the top of that list. I always felt safe with him. He would never do anything to put me, my sisters, my Mother, or my Grandmother in harms way. My Grampa was not a wealthy man, but I understand now, that we were all his treasures.

I called upon my Grampa several times in my young teenage life for a ride, or to take me to Les Schwab for tire repair. He always told me to get gas when the gauge was at a 1/4 tank, a habit that I have always followed. I would take Gramma shopping, and he would always tell us to "hold on to your purse!" Upon returning, he would make the same comment, "What'd you do!? Buy out the whole store?!" He'd look at what we'd gotten with a grin on his face, simply happy that we were happy.

I fear that the list of trustworthy men is also short for many girls and women. I am so proud to say that my Grandfather was the greatest man I have ever known. I miss him so much. I keep trying to hear his voice in my head. I want him to pat me on the back, and get sheepish when I would tell him "I love you". He'd just say, "Oh, yeah, I s'pose" He did say it back to me, at the hospital, I think he knew he needed to. We all needed to.

I miss Grampa. He made the top of my list, and it breaks my heart, that instead of the list growing, it simply get smaller with time. But I am blessed to have had him for a time.

I Loved Him

Maybe it is the holiday's. Maybe the darkness of the season. Maybe it is seeing the depth of my Grandparents love since my Grandfather had a stroke. Yeah, that's probably it. Whatever the reason, I have been thinking about how much I loved Andrew, and just how hurt I am upon reflecting that I do not think that love was returned, at least not in the same way.

I remember one of the last interactions I had with him was finding a spiral notebook and flipping for a clear sheet of paper, I came across what appeared to be a list of some sort. After reading it, it was the most heart-wrenching list I had ever read in my life. He had made a list of things he wanted in a woman - these are the things I remember: someone younger, thinner, into more activities, more fun... Those are just what I remember, the list was much longer.

As you can imagine, then, as well as now, I just cried. The kind of tears that come from a dark and broken place.  He didn't love me. How long ago was it that he fell out of love with me? Why didn't he talk to me about what he wanted? Instead, alone, I found his list of wants. I am not getting any younger, I am certainly not thin, I didn't understand what he meant about activities, since I always asked him to do things and he was never interested in doing them - did he offer ideas? no. I guess I am no fun either. Reading these things felt like a punch in the tummy, the face. I felt beat up.

You are probably wondering if I confronted him. I did. I tearfully handed him the list, and simply walked away. He said he was so sorry that I had read it, and that he never intended for me to find it.

I did find it. Even though it was a year and a half ago, the wound is still fresh. It still oozes. It has infected my sense of self and overall worth as a woman, as a partner.

What is Love?

How can love hurt and feel so amazing all at the same time? How does this dichotomy exist? How can something that we have been gifted with hurt so badly? How can it cause me to feel so alive? These questions rattling around in my head.

I got married, very young. It was not a mistake. No, I would not have done it differently. I know I would not be who I am today without Andrew. He loved and supported me as I became an adult. We loved and supported each other. We were children when we got married, we were adults when we got divorced.

Children love like children, this is a truth that doesn't completely make sense to me yet. However, I now see love as far more complex than I did at 20, and I expect I will feel differently again as I get older. But, at 31, things have changed. As a child, I saw love as simple, easy, and a right that was mine to take. As an adult, love is hard, it takes work, and it is my responsibility to give as much as I receive, and maybe sometimes, give more. Sure, there are times when it all comes easy, and Lord knows, I relish those moments, but they are fleeting.

My relationship now is not easy in the least. We have been through more trials and tribulations that I care to count, and sadly, I know there will be more to come. Why do I continue in such madness? Is is as simple as I love him? Am I crazy? Stupid? All of the above? Probably. Somehow, I don't seem to have power over this thing called love. And I am OK with that. Does it cause me grief? Hell yes. Does it bring me joy? Also, Hell yes! What can any of us do when we are hopelessly in love?

I suppose I will continue to simply let Life unfold in front of me. The dreams that float around in my head are at least worth trying. This is how I honor Divine Intervention, I try and be open to the possibility of life. The area of Love is something I keep learning about, new lessons, new ideas, new paths. I suppose all we can do is just have faith.