Something has been weighing on my shoulders as of late. It doesn't really have a name, but it has feelings. For ease of understanding, lets call it bricks, each one with a label. Regret. Shame. Embarrassed. Unworthy. Disgusting. To name a few. Some of them are plenty - regret probably has the most bricks, along with disgusting. These bricks on my shoulders hurts, and they've made their homes inside my muscles and I feel the weight of their squeeze daily. Some days, I just know they are there. Other days, they are so heavy, that getting out of bed is excruciating.

I don't know what to do most of the time but ignore them, for fear of engaging is terrifying. I just feel so heavy with sadness that I wonder if I will drown in my own tears. What are humans supposed to do with such grief and regret? To say goodnight is always whispering in my ear, the alternative of continual carrying of this weight doesn't seem all that inviting. When my brain just replays all the "could-have-been's" and the "you are just too disgusting for anyone to want you", it takes a god damn toll.

So, here I am writing, hoping to alleviate some of the pressure in my shoulders. I try and remember the words my friends have given me about "hope" and other things that feel like utter nonsense. One day, one hour, one moment at at time.. one brick...