Not What I Want, Is It What I Need?

Today, I signed divorce papers. In a few short weeks, a judge will sign the same papers, dissolving my marriage. This makes every cell in my body hurt.  This pain is far and above any physical pain I have ever experienced. It has become an ailment that my body cannot seem to heal from... It is a scar that I will where on the deepest part of my heart, forever. 

To anyone out there who has ever passed judgement on the divorced, please, think twice about ever doing it again.  I never thought I would get divorced. I never thought I would sit and cry in a lawyers office, while signing away the love of my life. 

This is certainly not what I want. However, I find myself wondering if it is what I need. The wise people in my life tell me it is. I have yet to believe them. Only time will tell, and I truly no longer have a choice.  I wanted to sign the papers first. I couldn't bear seeing his name signed. However, I know that he will have to deal with seeing mine, and that brings deep sorrow.

One thing I am grateful for, is that Andy and I were both very kind, peaceful, and compassionate towards each other during this process. Which, naturally, makes me wonder, "why, then?". But it is, what it is.

I am divorced. It sucks.

Happy Mother's Day

I am considering this my Better Homes and Garden's blog for Mother's. My Mom is always critisizing herself for not cleaning enough, well this piece is my attempt to change her perspective. Let's take a tour of my Mother's home. The Living Room Upon entry one will find a wood burning stove. The primary and only source of heat for the home. If it is early morning, she has likely gotten out of bed and lit a fire so that the rest of us can wake to a warm house. A little further in, the couch is full of pillows, blankets, and other things to keep one cozy. The blankets have cartoon characters, or they are worn with years of love, the faded colors showing the years of cozy snuggling that has been done. The Restroom A girls dream! Every product imaginable - lotions, perfumes, magical potions! The towels are yummy smelling from a fresh wash and soft for dryer sheets, and if it is spring and summer, you may be lucky enough to dry off with a towel that has dried in the sunshine, a truly heavenly treat- who knew that sunshine and wind had a fragrance?! The Kitchen A place where all appetites may be satisfied. Treats, juices, milk, breads, proteins... The smell of dinner cooking, and the conversations surround what would be a suitable dessert. She complains that there are no dishes without the ABC's or silly children's art on them, but I see a never lost childhood, dishes that no one cries fits over getting broken or lost, a comfortable place where you can relax. Seeing dishes that I used as a child takes me back to simpler times, and I need that more than ever right now. My Bedroom I recently moved into my Mother's home, for reasons that are certainly due their own blog, but I will attempt to stay on topic. My parents moved their room upstairs so that I could have a private space. The walls are decorated with puzzles that my nephew has put together. She was worried I wouldn't like it, but she would be very wrong. They are representative of time, creativity, focus, skill, laughing, smiling. All these things that remind me of my own childhood. So, what is my point, dear reader? I think I wanted to create a quick snapshot of my mom's castle, for she truly is a queen. She worries so much about "not doing it right", and I wanted to attempt to ease her fears, and assure her that she is loved. And we all adore the mismatched dishes and towels. They represent out lives - swooped together in a cosmic miracle of life, all the mishap adventures, all the beautiful colors and memories of time spent together. Besides, I don't wanna be yelled at for breaking a dish :) I love you, Mom.