The questions was posed today, "What enslaves you?"
At first I really couldn't think of anything. As a white woman, with a pretty substantial amount of privilege, I don't usually think of myself as being enslaved by anything. But she pressed on, "Are you enslaved by fear? What about food?"
"HEY! was she talking to just me?" I asked myself.
She continued with her list, "Lust? Social media? Fear of past failure?..." She listed many things, but all those are the ones the stuck out for me, because I think they are the things that trap me.
My biggest enslavement is fear. I am constantly fearing rejection. This started at a very young age, and while I won't bore you with the common details of it all, fear of rejection runs deep. After my divorce, this fear is something I deal with on a daily basis. It is sometimes all consuming. Even listening to her speak, the anxiety was rising in my body. I squirmed and reached for my phone - the ultimate distraction, right in the palm of your hand!
I decided "No." I decided to stay with the feeling of being uncomfortable. I had to tell myself I was still safe, and everything is OK. My mind flashed to a variety of scenes from my marriage. I view my failed marriage as the ultimate of failures. The ultimate rejection. I just cannot seem to let this go. My mind, my body, my heart hold on so tightly to this failure - like a reminder that I am, in fact, a failure. Someone unworthy of love.
It is extremely painful. Dear reader, I write this as only a means of self expression, not looking to you to "fix" me, but for you to maybe understand that deep and profound depression exists in your midst.
Out of all the things I feel enslaved by, fear consumes me. Fear eats me alive. Fear has destroyed me. Sure, there are moments when I can fake it. I can play the part of a "successful woman who has her shit together". When I sit alone, however, I am back at the baseline of someone who truly hates herself.
I am enslaved by the fear and the hate. Perhaps just acknowledging is a good place to start, but I do not see this abhorrent view of myself subsiding any time soon.
