Anyone who knows me well, knows I operate in my heart-space almost constantly. This has many benefits. I always can get in touch with my feelings. I can effectively express my emotions. I can easily empathize with others. I am deeply compassionate. I sometimes describe things as, "feeling it in my bones". This is both a blessing and a curse.
The less beneficial things associated with living in a heart-space, is that I am very easily weighed down by the less happy emotions. I can feel my body move slowly as I process pain, loss, and sadness. I can feel my blood rushing through my veins when I am angry. I become paralyzed in my head when confused - waiting for the heart to give me the message.
Many people do not operate in this space. They think it is a weaker space to be in. It isn't "logical". It isn't "reasonable". Or they flutter in and out of this space, for it isn't always comfortable. To feel is to be in touch with, for lack of a better term, spirit. And spirit is confusing. It isn't something you can see or touch. Is is a sense of self that is ambiguous. I don't believe people like being there. People like concrete. People like directions and order. And those things are wonderful, and people like that are necessary. I am not those people. I am a heart person.
I have been criticized for moving to Hawaii. I am sure I will be criticized for what I am about to reveal. But those that are devils advocates, critics, nay-sayers, or I-told-you-so's, do not live in this heart space with me. And that is OK. All that I ask, is that you keep it to yourself. Trust and know, that I am my biggest critic and I am already aware of the seemingly foolishness of my heart. But my heart, I trust, and my heart will guide me.
I will be returning to Portland. This was far from an easy decision. The reasons are various, do not dare think to assume you know all the reasons why. I assure you, that you do not. Many and most are personal reasons that I do not wish to reveal to the masses. If you do know me well you likely know reasons, but if you do not, please, be conscious of your questions. Maybe I will reveal reasons slowly, and probably after a glass or two of wine. For now, I simply ask for your friendship and support.
Hawaii has been truly an adventure. I have learned many lessons about myself, both personally and professionally. I am incredibly brave. I continue to deal with the depths of depression and anxiety, and through that, moved to the middle of the ocean on top of a volcano that spews lava 24 hours a day. That is crazy. I left all that I love and adore, to try something new and different. Some may say "it didn't work out." I am choosing to believe it worked out exactly as it was supposed to.
So my little aching heart continues to wonder what the next adventure will be. For now, I am grateful to be planning my return to Portland. I cannot wait to hold my family and friends, and to breathe in their familiarity. To be seen by the people who know me well.
Try not to be too critical of me. Believe me, I have enough of an inner critic for everyone.
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Saturday, September 10, 2016
What Have I Done?
I will have landed in Hawaii, 2 months ago, on Monday the 12th. While it doesn't seem that long ago, I feel extremely emotionally stretched. I am exhausted like I have never been before.
So I want to examine a few things.
Friendship:
I have met a few ladies that I feel I can connect with. Newness in a relationship is fun. These women are fresh and getting to know them is enjoyable. Meeting new people is tough in, what I have learned, is a very small town. Yes there are people buzzing around, but 90% of them are tourists. Connecting with people is hard. I am thankful for the handful of women that I have met so far, and I hope that my relationships with them will continue to blossom.
The other side of Friendship:
I am fiercely missing my tribe of women in Portland. I ache with loss on a daily basis, multiple times a day. I crave the women who know me. I long to see a familiar face and hear the familiar sound of their laugh. I want to just sit in the quiet with a glass of wine, or more likely beer, sharing nothing but the space of recognition. To be known, is a great treasure; which is dichotomous with my desire and enjoyment of not being known and starting over.
Things I am Loving:
When I look out my window on Saturday morning, and see a church steeple and blue sky. Seeing the constant bloom of flowers. I love the little yellow birds that live around my school. They are so small and sweet. The other birds with red and gray feathers, I don't see them as often, but they are quite lovely. The delicious fragrance of plumeria in the air. I love how my skin is slowly changing to a lightly toasted-marshmallow brown. I love how on a whim, I can go to any number of beaches. I absolutely love being in the ocean. The salty water holding me, feeling weightless and alive.
Things I am Learning:
That I am a damn good teacher. I mean, I had moments of knowing it while in Portland, but I feel confident in my ability now.
Schools are vastly different in different parts of the country, which I knew on a theoretical level, but never experienced myself. I find myself in continual culture shock of what is "normal" here. I am also stunned and appalled at how teachers are treated here on just a work-load/contractual level. I have never had so much put upon me as a teacher. It has made me realize how important a strong union is. It also makes me question school funding and the extreme lack of equity there is here. This entire process is building my professional skills as a strong, patient, and compassionate listener and hopefully, leader of change.
The Struggle:
I took a more than $10k pay cut to move/live here coupled with an extreme cost of living increase, has made me much more of a homebody. It has also made my "lifestyle" take a sudden and drastic slow-down.
I struggled with some very extreme mental illness just a few short weeks before making the move over here. With that said, it is really hard to be alone as much as I am. My thoughts are often deceiving and the mental work I have to participate in to keep myself afloat is unending and exhausting. There is only one female therapist that is covered by my insurance, and I have yet to meet her, but I have obvious worries about moving forward. I struggle daily with how to live alone, how to take care of myself, and how to just simply be in my own skin with only myself to keep me company. I know it sounds weird, that a 35 year old is having a hard time with that. I constantly beat myself up for not knowing. However, I have never done this before- never moved away from "home". And I chose just about the farthest away one can go. I am having a really hard time with this.
Personal:
Most of you know I wear my heart in the open - exposed and vulnerable. This post will be no different. I long for a partner. One who wants to share their life with me. One who is excited to be with me. One who wants to build a fucking rad life together. And with the longing, comes pain. Pain at the realization that I am alone. That my hopes and dreams of a family are all but gone, just hazy whispers of what has been lost. Coming to terms with that is probably the hardest part for me right now.
Those are the things floating around my brain right now. In conclusion, what have a I done? I made the decision to try something new, to follow a several-year-long dream. I made the decision to move to a little volcanic island in the middle of the fucking ocean. I just pray to a hopeful higher power, that I can continue to grow and discover just who the hell I am and how to live fully and completely.
PS - please text me, email me, write me... I miss you.
So I want to examine a few things.
Friendship:
I have met a few ladies that I feel I can connect with. Newness in a relationship is fun. These women are fresh and getting to know them is enjoyable. Meeting new people is tough in, what I have learned, is a very small town. Yes there are people buzzing around, but 90% of them are tourists. Connecting with people is hard. I am thankful for the handful of women that I have met so far, and I hope that my relationships with them will continue to blossom.
The other side of Friendship:
I am fiercely missing my tribe of women in Portland. I ache with loss on a daily basis, multiple times a day. I crave the women who know me. I long to see a familiar face and hear the familiar sound of their laugh. I want to just sit in the quiet with a glass of wine, or more likely beer, sharing nothing but the space of recognition. To be known, is a great treasure; which is dichotomous with my desire and enjoyment of not being known and starting over.
Things I am Loving:
When I look out my window on Saturday morning, and see a church steeple and blue sky. Seeing the constant bloom of flowers. I love the little yellow birds that live around my school. They are so small and sweet. The other birds with red and gray feathers, I don't see them as often, but they are quite lovely. The delicious fragrance of plumeria in the air. I love how my skin is slowly changing to a lightly toasted-marshmallow brown. I love how on a whim, I can go to any number of beaches. I absolutely love being in the ocean. The salty water holding me, feeling weightless and alive.
Things I am Learning:
That I am a damn good teacher. I mean, I had moments of knowing it while in Portland, but I feel confident in my ability now.
Schools are vastly different in different parts of the country, which I knew on a theoretical level, but never experienced myself. I find myself in continual culture shock of what is "normal" here. I am also stunned and appalled at how teachers are treated here on just a work-load/contractual level. I have never had so much put upon me as a teacher. It has made me realize how important a strong union is. It also makes me question school funding and the extreme lack of equity there is here. This entire process is building my professional skills as a strong, patient, and compassionate listener and hopefully, leader of change.
The Struggle:
I took a more than $10k pay cut to move/live here coupled with an extreme cost of living increase, has made me much more of a homebody. It has also made my "lifestyle" take a sudden and drastic slow-down.
I struggled with some very extreme mental illness just a few short weeks before making the move over here. With that said, it is really hard to be alone as much as I am. My thoughts are often deceiving and the mental work I have to participate in to keep myself afloat is unending and exhausting. There is only one female therapist that is covered by my insurance, and I have yet to meet her, but I have obvious worries about moving forward. I struggle daily with how to live alone, how to take care of myself, and how to just simply be in my own skin with only myself to keep me company. I know it sounds weird, that a 35 year old is having a hard time with that. I constantly beat myself up for not knowing. However, I have never done this before- never moved away from "home". And I chose just about the farthest away one can go. I am having a really hard time with this.
Personal:
Most of you know I wear my heart in the open - exposed and vulnerable. This post will be no different. I long for a partner. One who wants to share their life with me. One who is excited to be with me. One who wants to build a fucking rad life together. And with the longing, comes pain. Pain at the realization that I am alone. That my hopes and dreams of a family are all but gone, just hazy whispers of what has been lost. Coming to terms with that is probably the hardest part for me right now.
Those are the things floating around my brain right now. In conclusion, what have a I done? I made the decision to try something new, to follow a several-year-long dream. I made the decision to move to a little volcanic island in the middle of the fucking ocean. I just pray to a hopeful higher power, that I can continue to grow and discover just who the hell I am and how to live fully and completely.
PS - please text me, email me, write me... I miss you.
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