Slut Shaming

I really wanted to stay out of and away from the "Miley" talks. I honestly did. But with so much being posted all around me, I feel a huge pull to respond. I am sure some of you will disagree with me, but so be it. I just hope, maybe I can give you something to think about.

I didn't watch the VMA's. In fact, I am not totally sure if I have ever actually watched the show. I'd like to think I was at some point that cool, but in reality, I have never been cool enough to care about the VMA's. Fine, I watch the talked about clips, but that is as far as my coolness factor goes. Yeah yeah, not cool at all, we've established that fact.

So all the "shocking" and "disturbing" pics and quotes came flying out into social media as if some major world news event had just happened - like "world hunger solved" or "global warming stopped", but no, this had to do with a young woman, Miley Cyrus, a pop princess and superstar. Still, I must admit, I was curious about what all the hoopla was about.

I watched the "shocking" performance. While watching, I kept waiting for what everyone was talking about. Waiting... waiting... and then the clip ended. I was left feeling sort of cheated, and not sure if I had missed something. I have been wondering what the hell everyone is freaking out about?! And I let it just be, until today.

I am just so annoyed at all the hate spewing about this woman, and the "feel sorry for her" crowd, either for her outfits or her choreographer, whatever excuse, is even more annoying. All this hating on a woman for a performance that was unapologetic. Sex aside, Ms Cyrus owned the night. She has power, and I think that is why everyone is pooping their pants. She had the power to make everyone stop and notice. She isn't a child. She can make choices, and she did, without apology. And for that, I commend her. How awesome it would be if we could all say, "fuck it, I do what I want! and fuck all you haters!"

She performed like a man! She owned her sex. She owned her body. She did what she wanted to do. And our american culture has such a disgusting reputation of shaming women who do such things, especially white women. Black women are just said to be "dangerous" while white women are noted to be sluts or whores - the Magdalene effect I will call it, or is it the Lolita effect? sigh - another blog. Did Ms Cyrus make you feel angry? Well, sweetheart, go out and get you some power!

And let's not forget, there was a man on that stage with her. A man 19 (?) years older than her - do whatever you want with that info, dear readers. I just want to point out that no one is talking about him. No one is discussing his role in that performance, and really, why would they in this culture of ours? He was probably just overcome by the Magdaline in Ms Cyrus  - can we say rape culture? (so many blogs need writing). He was perfectly "allowed" to be sexy and grind up on Ms Cyrus, but holy shit, stop the presses, she looked like she liked it!! (falls on fainting couch).

I think I should make my overall point now. Stop slut shaming. Stop shaming a woman who enjoys her sex. Stop telling women that they can't get down. (I have seen many of you get up on that, and damn, girl, you look hot!). You have every right not to be like Ms Cyrus, however, that gives you no right to tell other women that they are slutty for enjoying their sex. In closing, if you feel the need to slut shame, do yourself a favor, and go get you some power instead of attempting to take the power away from someone else.

Off to get my power... ie: vibrator. teehee.

Happy Marriage Wish

My very dear friend is getting married Saturday. I have a heavy heart because I am unable to attend.

When she first announced her engagement, my initial response was very inwardly selfish. I hated the idea of marriage, weddings, etc. Since divorce, I had become very bitter about the whole "happily ever after" concept, and now considered it foolishness. Naturally, my loud-mouthed self didn't hold back in this expression. I tend to express my "hurt" by joking around or being self deprecating, it is just one of many maladaptive coping skills.

I am not sure of the exact day, but I made some stupid and selfish comment, and I immediately saw the hurt in my friends eyes. And, not sure if this was the same time, or a few days after, but at some point, she told me she didn't want to talk about her wedding stuff with me because she didn't want to make me feel hurt or uncomfortable. What a realization that was! I needed to get my head right.

I really did reflect on what she said. I thought about how I really wanted to be her friend in this. I decided that I needed to put aside my own experience for a moment, and let her have her joy. My selfishness was stealing her joy, and I did not want to be that person. Certainly, I failed, and would make comments that I intended to be funny, but weren't. I tried to catch myself, and became more mindful of my interaction with her and her joy.

All that being said, I am so very very happy that I came to this conclusion - to let her have her joy. It helped heal me - sure, more selfishness, but whatever, cut me some slack, dear reader!

Over these past several months, I have seen my friend blossom into a beautiful bride! We have shared stories, laughed, and cried about the past and the future. We lamented about our insecurities, we held each other up while weak, and rejoiced in our success. I was honored to share in dress fittings and bridal discussions. This bride gave me a gift that I can never repay. The gift of experiencing my past and sharing my own wedding stories without the sting of sarcasm, only with the bitter-sweetness that comes from lost love. I write this letter in full knowledge that my marriage failed. Many things written in this letter I didn't do, I just didn't know any better. "I do" now...

My Dear Friend,
I wish you all the joy that comes with having a partner at your side. Wake up, look at him while he sleeps, and soak it in. Touch him gently, and remember his softness. Breathe him in, stroke his face and love him. Do not forget yourself. Remember to love yourself. Know that you are more beautiful that words can express. You are each a gift to the other.

You will certainly get upset and even angry. Know that you are human, that he is human, and that you are both fallible. Try and remember to be soft in these times. Do not let anger build walls. I do not believe in the "don't go to bed angry" rule - because sometimes, our partners can be real jerks! With that said, I also believe in not letting too much time pass, for it makes us bitter. Forgive, and move on.

Work on your marriage, everyday! Marriage is the hardest job you will ever have. Say "Thank you", even for the simplest of things, even after years and years, say "Thank you". Appreciate one another. Be grateful for the partnership you build, and express this gratitude - with words, songs, trinkets, and presence - also presents are good too.

Talk, and talk, and talk, and then talk some more. Know one another. Tell him your darkest and deepest fears, desires, hopes, and dreams, create safe space for him to express his - it will likely be more difficult for him, be patient. Breathe when it feels like he has nothing to say, for he does, please, just wait and hold space for him. He needs you to have faith in him.

Above all else, love fully and completely, foolishly and without abandon! Be silly and adore one another. Laugh, a lot. Hold hands and kiss in public. Be each others rock and cornerstone, but trust one another enough to call bullshit when it needs calling. Listen and hold one another, and remember your wedding day.

I love you and best wishes!
Amy Angell

Thank you, Friends.

Waking up this morning, I am choosing to feel mostly blessed.

Yesternight I had the joy of opening my home to my friends, something I have not been able to do for years now - with divorce and constantly moving, and general malaise of self, I just hadn't been in a space, physically or mentally, to throw a gathering.

In years past, get togethers, planned by ex-spouse and myself, always made me feel incredibly stressed out. I was a bitch the day of, I even warned him and any others close by, that I was a force to be reckoned with until the party started. It was bad. I remember the feeling in my stomach I would get, like someone was constantly punching me in the gut. Looking back, WHY?!? I guess I just remember wanting everything to be "perfect". Why? I don't know, this and many other things are why I am in therapy, so cut me some FRIGN SLACK!

This time, it was different. I woke up late, puttered around, lazily drank coffee, all things that were TOTALLY new in the realm of "it's get-together day!" Then, with Katy Perry (not my musical choice, FYI) blasting in the background, my roommate and I cleaned, tidied, organized, and prepped, for the first get together at the house, and we did so all while laughing. With all this smiling, I kept wondering to myself when Bitch-Self was going to be making her appearance. I had to run errands, go to the store, pick up friends... still waiting... And then people were here, but Bitch-Self never showed! In fact, I just felt happy and joyful that these special people chose to spend their time with me.

And how beautiful they were. The coming together, to share time, food, and stories. To see the wondrous smiles on their faces, to hear the giggles of their children. All shared with me. How am I worthy of such bounty?! That people will set aside all that is going on in their worlds, and choose to spend a few hours with me is an incredible blessing.

Thank you to all who joined me last night.