Anyone who knows me well, knows I operate in my heart-space almost constantly. This has many benefits. I always can get in touch with my feelings. I can effectively express my emotions. I can easily empathize with others. I am deeply compassionate. I sometimes describe things as, "feeling it in my bones". This is both a blessing and a curse.
The less beneficial things associated with living in a heart-space, is that I am very easily weighed down by the less happy emotions. I can feel my body move slowly as I process pain, loss, and sadness. I can feel my blood rushing through my veins when I am angry. I become paralyzed in my head when confused - waiting for the heart to give me the message.
Many people do not operate in this space. They think it is a weaker space to be in. It isn't "logical". It isn't "reasonable". Or they flutter in and out of this space, for it isn't always comfortable. To feel is to be in touch with, for lack of a better term, spirit. And spirit is confusing. It isn't something you can see or touch. Is is a sense of self that is ambiguous. I don't believe people like being there. People like concrete. People like directions and order. And those things are wonderful, and people like that are necessary. I am not those people. I am a heart person.
I have been criticized for moving to Hawaii. I am sure I will be criticized for what I am about to reveal. But those that are devils advocates, critics, nay-sayers, or I-told-you-so's, do not live in this heart space with me. And that is OK. All that I ask, is that you keep it to yourself. Trust and know, that I am my biggest critic and I am already aware of the seemingly foolishness of my heart. But my heart, I trust, and my heart will guide me.
I will be returning to Portland. This was far from an easy decision. The reasons are various, do not dare think to assume you know all the reasons why. I assure you, that you do not. Many and most are personal reasons that I do not wish to reveal to the masses. If you do know me well you likely know reasons, but if you do not, please, be conscious of your questions. Maybe I will reveal reasons slowly, and probably after a glass or two of wine. For now, I simply ask for your friendship and support.
Hawaii has been truly an adventure. I have learned many lessons about myself, both personally and professionally. I am incredibly brave. I continue to deal with the depths of depression and anxiety, and through that, moved to the middle of the ocean on top of a volcano that spews lava 24 hours a day. That is crazy. I left all that I love and adore, to try something new and different. Some may say "it didn't work out." I am choosing to believe it worked out exactly as it was supposed to.
So my little aching heart continues to wonder what the next adventure will be. For now, I am grateful to be planning my return to Portland. I cannot wait to hold my family and friends, and to breathe in their familiarity. To be seen by the people who know me well.
Try not to be too critical of me. Believe me, I have enough of an inner critic for everyone.
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