Dance Class

Finally I decided to go. What was it that led me to this decision? I am not really sure, but I think it is as simple as feeling like I finally had "the time" to go. During the school year, I am so bogged down with work and exhausted, that I rarely go out during the week, and as I have gotten older, my weekend ventures have become less and less. This week is the first week off from school, and I decided I better give this PulsePDX place a try.

A dear friend has raved about this place for months, stating that it's the best, and it is so much fun, etc. I had my doubts, obviously, since it took me like a year to decide to check it out. The website is very flashy and cool looking - both attributes I do not have. I expressed my nerves to him, but he assured me I would be fine.

In classic "me" form, I started to get a headache about an hour and a half before class was supposed to start. "Perfect", I thought, "I don't have to go now!" But there was a slightly stronger voice that said, "No, you're going." Fine. I swallowed 3 advils and went on my way.

I pulled up and parked, my heart racing and I observed several beautiful women walking into class. Their tiny little asses perkily bouncing as they entered the building. Shit. More breathing, texted with my sister about what I was going to do, and how I hated being the fat kid in class. Breathe. Let me assure you, big women want to work out, but, at least in my experience, feel so out of place, that running and hiding is far easier. I felt the urge to run, but then I saw a few more people enter, and I just had to give it a go.

The greeting at the door was friendly and felt very genuine and welcoming. I was just so nervous. The dance room was cold, uncomfortable, but I knew it would warm up, so I tried to enjoy it. I watched the instructor close the curtains, which made the room really dark. The disco ball turning, club-like lighting, no mirrors. Dark & no mirrors, this made the space feel very safe. The music (being provided by a live DJ, by the way) started playing and we were on our way.

After a couple songs, I grabbed my water and checked the time, dammit, only 15 minutes in! How was I ever going to make it?! I felt kind of panicked, but continued trying my best to follow the steps. I was getting into it. I have taken Zumba before, and hated it, so the fact that I was enjoying this is note worthy.  Then, however, I hit a wall. The pace was picking up, the moves were getting trickier, I think we were about halfway through. I could feel myself getting more and more frustrated. I kind of stopped and just walked in place, thoughts racing through my mind: "I knew this was going to suck!" "You're going to be fat forever!" "You can't do this!" over and over and over again. But, I remembered what I would tell the women in my dance studio - "Get the fuck out of your head!" Slowly, I breathed, I let the music and rhythm wash over me. Walking in place I felt my heart pumping in my chest, just like the base pumping up against the walls. I opened my eyes to a room full of glorious energy. My body can move!

I stopped thinking so much about the steps, I tried as best I could, and when I couldn't do the moves exactly, I just danced and enjoyed where I was. I could see smiling faces, bodies moving this way and that, we were all here together, sharing an experience.  The music began to slow slightly. We began to slow our pace, our arms and chest open. I had a very chakra like opening. Tears began to rise. I had an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

I was thankful for the darkness, as it allowed me to be in my body. I was thankful for the lack of mirrors, for when I see my body now, it brings me nothing but grief. I was thankful for the music being loud and pulsating to bring me back into my body and out of my head. I am thankful for giving myself this gift.

I can't wait to go back.