A Life-Long Sentence

It hurts so much. I never knew how deep and dark pain could be. The most terrifying, is the fact that I don't think I have reached the bottom of this pit of anguish. It is a dark place, in my gut that thrashes, and gnaws at my spirit... It is clawing and chewing at my will to simply exist.

I hear music, and it is like the notes wake my tears from a drowsy slumber. They never really went to sleep. They are always on the surface of my being.  They rise and roll off my cheeks, into my ears, my mouth, my body... Like I am being slowly drowned...

There is no light. Only darkness. I don't want to feel like this forever, and I am so scared that that will be my fate. I don't see any other way. I just hurt all the time. I am becoming very good at faking a smile, a laugh... Faking my way through this waking life... That is no life... that is a sentence.

Saying Good-Bye Hurts

But fate ordains that dearest friends must part.  ~Edward Young

Saying good-bye is hard. Do you really know what it means? It comes from “God be with you” from the 14^th century. I am not referring to the sweet, “until we meet again”, kind of good-bye. This is the kind of good-bye that is the death of something you love.

Meeting with my soon-to-be “ex-husband” this past week has stirred the pain of my wound. And in exploring this wound, discovered that it isn’t saying good-bye to him that is the hardest part, it was the drive home, when I was daydreaming about all the lost dreams.

So many dreams are dying with this divorce. We had always talked about going to Europe together. I had always dreamed about having children with this man. I had envisioned what they would look like, what it would be like to have them in his arms.  The home that we created together is being surgically dissected, one cardboard box at a time. These are the things that I mourn, along with the man that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with… It was to be his old eyes I was to look into…

But none of those things will come to pass, and the agony of that reality is killing me. I can’t seem to stop thinking about all those things that will never be. I am stuck in this perpetual state of wanting to change something that cannot be changed. You can’t cheat death.

I suppose, I am simply supposed to sit in it. Allow myself to mourn, whatever that means?! How will I know I am done with it? Will it always torment me?

I am not ready to say good-bye but I am getting closer to being ready to let God be with him.

I Went to Church Today

Today I went to church.  I think the last time I stepped foot inside a church was about 7 months ago… just as I was starting to seek answers for my broken marriage.  Alas, I was met by people who seemed more concerned about my weight and appearance (a topic for another entry, I’m sure) than they did about my need for spiritual healing.  Needless to say, I felt as though I had hit a roadblock.  This church was my home church, where my husband and I had become members. But, like many things we shared together, this was going to have to be another thing to let go of.

I went to a new church today and I listened to Dr. Marcus Borg deliver the sermon. His birthday is today, and he turned 70. His message was that the Christian faith is simply one of many that brings people closer to God, and that for him, Christianity is home. It was that phrase, “Christianity is home”, that echoed in my heart. And, being the season of Lent, he spoke about the mortal man, and how we rarely remember to see our death, not as scary, but as wisdom. Wisdom to know that each moment is a gift. He finally ended with the message that Jesus trumps the Bible, and sometimes the Bible is wrong, and in that instance, Jesus trumps the bible verse that is sometimes used to divide us.

The main point of this entry is my realization that my Christianity is home to me.  It is always where I end up when I feel broken, betrayed, & hurt. I find myself lamenting to God through the tears that run down my face. It is there, that I find the most comfort, even if, sometimes, I don’t think anyone is out there, and I am just a crazy woman talking to myself.

Maybe just embracing myself as the crazy woman would make this journey a lot easier. Sigh. Dearest Reader, I leave you with the Lenten question of, what happens when this waking life is finished? For I am scared to fucking death, so to speak.

Afraid of the Dark

When the lights turned out last night, I started crying. I am afraid of the dark, but the person with whom I was sharing space with does not sleep with lights on, and he has already been accommodating by agreeing to let me keep a fan running (I also cannot, let me repeat, cannot sleep in silence). The lights went out, and I closed my eyes, because for some reason if I close my eyes tight, it doesn't feel as scary. Then I started crying.

I believe there has got to be something symbolic about me feeling safer while closing my eyes while it's pitch black.  It makes no logical sense - it's just as dark.  But for some reason, in my child brain, if I don't see the monsters, then they aren't there. My grown-up brain knows better.

If I don't open my eyes and face what is in front of me, then I will be stuck with my eyes closed forever. I won't be able to see the sun come up. I know this. But for the time being, I just can't seem to open my eyes long enough to let them adjust to the loss of light. I cried more.

How does one keep their eyes open long enough to adjust when it is so scary? I am afraid I am going to explode with grief. Like there is just too much to face - it feels better under the covers with my eyes closed tightly, body clenched, and breath held. Dearest reader, do we ever grow up? Are we ever without fear?

I think I'll go back under the covers for a while.

Faith

I had my first question of faith at 17 years young. I remember the physical sensation of a plug being ripped out of my gut, and all light, hope, and life, just drained out of me. And when the last drop was gone, I was filled with incredible fear and anxiety. What had happened? Where was God? Who was I? What was the point of all this? The flood of questions struck my in the face with the severity of a slap. Each one, over and over.

I tried doing the same things - go to church, pray, read my bible... but it didn't feel the same. Now I am wondering about that famous quote about insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Well, things were never the same.  For the first time in my life, I was wandering through a dark period of doubt. A few years went by, college, marriage... it seemed as though faith reappeared.

Throughout my twenty's, I dabbled in different ideas of religion... Wiccan, Buddhism, Tantra, Goddess Worship, Christianity. I would ebb and flow throughout all of them, and I appreciated the groundlessness that was my exploration. I refused to let any of them define me. I saw what religion did to people that let it define them, and those people scared me. Perhaps it was their certainty that they were right, and I was wrong, or likely more accurate, I was afraid I would have to give something up if I wanted to fully commit.  There were so many valuable things in each one of the new faiths that I experienced.

Wiccan brought me wisdom of Mother Earth, Buddhism taught me compassion for self, Tantra taught me that pleasure and life go hand in hand, Goddess worship gave me the female side of God that I hadn't ever experienced before, and Christianity taught me about forgiveness and love... How could I deny any of them? I struggle with this daily. What do you do, gentle reader?

Today I am, once again, facing a complete loss of faith. I am wondering what the point of all of this is? Why don't we just all kill ourselves off? We are all on our way to dust anyways. Is it just our fear that keeps us from doing it? I can't seem to grasp the idea that we are all going to be alright in the end. I just fear the non-existence. I struggle with the thought of "why was I even born?" - why do I have to think these horrible thoughts?

Please, share with me your stories of faith. I need your stories.

Teacher Salaries

I was asked about teacher salaries.  The question came from a friend who was very respectful in her asking. Here is my long winded answer.

http://www.educationworld.net/salaries_us.html - “Average beginning teacher salaries:

Alaska had the highest average beginning salary in 2002-03, at $37,401. States joining Alaska in the top tier were New Jersey, at $35,673; District of Columbia, at $35,260; New York, at $35,259; and California, at $34,805.”

Teacher pay appears to vary greatly depending on where one teaches - ie: cost of living. I want to focus on just Oregon. In 2009, Oregon ranked 25 in national average teacher pay, with an average pay of $48,720.  Keeping in mind average combines all beginning, middle, and veteran teachers.  Not only is compensation dependent upon state, it depends on the district one works for.

For example:

Portland Public Schools starting Salaries:

BA/BS $35,886

MA/MS $42,794

Salem/Keizer Schools starting Salaries:

BA/BS, $34,709

MA/MS, $40,275

Teachers make 14 percent less than professionals in other occupations that require similar levels of education. This is maddening to me on a variety of levels. Mainly, it is the fact that I have a considerable amount of student loan debt, about $70,000 - that will take about 20+ years to pay off at the rate I am making.  It goes without saying, that I am paying a hell of a lot to be in a job that educates our nations children (read: influence and inspire the future).

“The rate in which teachers are paid, prices teachers out of home ownership in 32 metropolitan areas, and makes raising a family on one salary near impossible.”

Nationwide, 46% of teachers quit before their fifth year. I was ready to quit after 2.  In fact, I put in a leave-of-absence to consider my options. I decided to change schools, and position type.  I have done that again.  And if this year does not prove to be worth more, I will once again be considering a career change.

What this all comes down to is the fact that in my experience, teachers put in about 10+ hours daily in the classroom.  That is not accounting for all the time they spend at home working on their jobs, or the time that is spent during the summer prepping the room for the next year (I put in about 25 hours) - this is all UNPAID time.  Teachers are paid salary to work 39.5 hours a week at about the rate of, say, $30/hour before taxes.  When one considers that a teacher actually works about 50 hours/week - that comes out to be about $24/hour before taxes. And THEN, when one considers that most teachers have to buy snacks, materials, equipment, summer break hours… well, you get the idea. My point is, that the level of education, continual license renewal courses (graduate level required), compensation is very low… but lord knows, I didn’t become a teacher thinking that I was going to get rich…

Is the idea that I should be able to pay off my student debt in a reasonable amount of time a crazy one? Or is the thought that maybe our culture needs a values check - a nation that spends more dollars on military spending compared to what it spends on its citizens is devastatingly shameful. 

I just think that teacher should be respected more, paid more, and listened to more.

And, if all else fails watch this:

 

I am a Teacher

Recently, there was a Teacher March in Washington, DC for a "Save our Schools" rally. I didn't even know such a thing was happening. I think the realization of this event, and how I didn't know about it, is what many teachers feel when new legislation is passed, new testing requirements come down the pipeline, and new curriculum is is decided. Teachers seldom have a real voice at the table.  Politicians, text-book companies, testing companies ~ they all have a very loud and influential voice, and it's time that people in the actual profession of teaching start raising their voices!

Why did I choose to be a teacher? The simple fact is that without an education, I would be going nowhere, fast.  I had good teachers, bad teachers, nice teachers, & mean teachers.  In addition to academics, they all taught me something about myself! And it was those lessons that influenced me and helped shape me into the person I am today, the person who decided to be a teacher.

The American Public School system is being severely threatened, and in some states, dismantling them. The republican/conservative/tea-party agenda is hard at work attempting to convince the American people that public education is wrong and that it is the teachers fault for "failing" students.  When it is those same people who continue to vote time and time again to take funds away from public schools - or - vote to not increase taxes which would better fund schools.  All of this leads to a failing system, and it is certainly NOT the teachers fault.

Let's think about something: 50% of new teachers will quit after only 5 years. I am entering my 5th year of teaching, and I seriously considered leaving after my 2nd year. Every year brings new challenges and opportunity to grow professionally. Therefore, when I hear about funds being taken from the public school system and given to fund vouchers & charters, and there are even some states that allow tax deductions for those families that send their students to private school, I become passionately enraged!  Especially when research is now showing that vouchers for charters, do not show any difference in achievement or success.

I, along with my colleagues, work very very hard to teach the next generation to read, to make sense of numbers, to write coherently, to create relationships with their peers, to know what it means to be a good citizen, and many many other day-to-day activities that would take a lifetime to explain. I am continually being asked to do more, with less.  And, teachers, continue to rise to the occasion, because we are passionate about what we do!

As we come upon the dawn of a new school year, I hope that we can come together as professionals.  We must demand a seat at the table of decision making!  No longer can we sit quietly in our classrooms waiting and wondering what the next blow to public education will be! Go to meetings, find out what is happening at your state level! It is up to us! Don't be afraid of your own voice, speak up!

I appreciate any and all feedback on this topic, as it is near and dear to my heart. Do you think the school system is failing? If so, why?