Heart Space - Changes

Anyone who knows me well, knows I operate in my heart-space almost constantly. This has many benefits. I always can get in touch with my feelings. I can effectively express my emotions. I can easily empathize with others. I am deeply compassionate. I sometimes describe things as, "feeling it in my bones". This is both a blessing and a curse.

The less beneficial things associated with living in a heart-space, is that I am very easily weighed down by the less happy emotions. I can feel my body move slowly as I process pain, loss, and sadness. I can feel my blood rushing through my veins when I am angry. I become paralyzed in my head when confused - waiting for the heart to give me the message.

Many people do not operate in this space. They think it is a weaker space to be in. It isn't "logical". It isn't "reasonable". Or they flutter in and out of this space, for it isn't always comfortable. To feel is to be in touch with, for lack of a better term, spirit. And spirit is confusing. It isn't something you can see or touch. Is is a sense of self that is ambiguous. I don't believe people like being there. People like concrete. People like directions and order. And those things are wonderful, and people like that are necessary. I am not those people. I am a heart person.

I have been criticized for moving to Hawaii. I am sure I will be criticized for what I am about to reveal. But those that are devils advocates, critics, nay-sayers, or I-told-you-so's, do not live in this heart space with me. And that is OK. All that I ask, is that you keep it to yourself. Trust and know, that I am my biggest critic and I am already aware of the seemingly foolishness of my heart. But my heart, I trust, and my heart will guide me.

I will be returning to Portland. This was far from an easy decision. The reasons are various, do not dare think to assume you know all the reasons why. I assure you, that you do not. Many and most are personal reasons that I do not wish to reveal to the masses. If you do know me well you likely know reasons, but if you do not, please, be conscious of your questions. Maybe I will reveal reasons slowly, and probably after a glass or two of wine. For now, I simply ask for your friendship and support.

Hawaii has been truly an adventure. I have learned many lessons about myself, both personally and professionally. I am incredibly brave. I continue to deal with the depths of depression and anxiety, and through that, moved to the middle of the ocean on top of a volcano that spews lava 24 hours a day. That is crazy. I left all that I love and adore, to try something new and different. Some may say "it didn't work out." I am choosing to believe it worked out exactly as it was supposed to.

So my little aching heart continues to wonder what the next adventure will be. For now, I am grateful to be planning my return to Portland. I cannot wait to hold my family and friends, and to breathe in their familiarity.  To be seen by the people who know me well.

Try not to be too critical of me. Believe me, I have enough of an inner critic for everyone.

What Have I Done?

I will have landed in Hawaii, 2 months ago, on Monday the 12th. While it doesn't seem that long ago, I feel extremely emotionally stretched. I am exhausted like I have never been before.

So I want to examine a few things.
Friendship:
I have met a few ladies that I feel I can connect with. Newness in a relationship is fun. These women are fresh and getting to know them is enjoyable. Meeting new people is tough in, what I have learned, is a very small town. Yes there are people buzzing around, but 90% of them are tourists. Connecting with people is hard. I am thankful for the handful of women that I have met so far, and I hope that my relationships with them will continue to blossom.

The other side of Friendship:
I am fiercely missing my tribe of women in Portland. I ache with loss on a daily basis, multiple times a day. I crave the women who know me. I long to see a familiar face and hear the familiar sound of their laugh. I want to just sit in the quiet with a glass of wine, or more likely beer, sharing nothing but the space of recognition. To be known, is a great treasure; which is dichotomous with my desire and enjoyment of not being known and starting over.

Things I am Loving:
When I look out my window on Saturday morning, and see a church steeple and blue sky. Seeing the constant bloom of flowers. I love the little yellow birds that live around my school. They are so small and sweet. The other birds with red and gray feathers, I don't see them as often, but they are quite lovely. The delicious fragrance of plumeria in the air. I love how my skin is slowly changing to a lightly toasted-marshmallow brown. I love how on a whim, I can go to any number of beaches. I absolutely love being in the ocean. The salty water holding me, feeling weightless and alive.

Things I am Learning:
That I am a damn good teacher. I mean, I had moments of knowing it while in Portland, but I feel confident in my ability now.
Schools are vastly different in different parts of the country, which I knew on a theoretical level, but never experienced myself. I find myself in continual culture shock of what is "normal" here. I am also stunned and appalled at how teachers are treated here on just a work-load/contractual level. I have never had so much put upon me as a teacher. It has made me realize how important a strong union is. It also makes me question school funding and the extreme lack of equity there is here. This entire process is building my professional skills as a strong, patient, and compassionate listener and hopefully, leader of change.

The Struggle:
I took a more than $10k pay cut to move/live here coupled with an extreme cost of living increase, has made me much more of a homebody. It has also made my "lifestyle" take a sudden and drastic slow-down.
I struggled with some very extreme mental illness just a few short weeks before making the move over here. With that said, it is really hard to be alone as much as I am. My thoughts are often deceiving and the mental work I have to participate in to keep myself afloat is unending and exhausting. There is only one female therapist that is covered by my insurance, and I have yet to meet her, but I have obvious worries about moving forward. I struggle daily with how to live alone, how to take care of myself, and how to just simply be in my own skin with only myself to keep me company. I know it sounds weird, that a 35 year old is having a hard time with that. I constantly beat myself up for not knowing. However, I have never done this before- never moved away from "home". And I chose just about the farthest away one can go. I am having a really hard time with this.

Personal:
Most of you know I wear my heart in the open - exposed and vulnerable. This post will be no different. I long for a partner. One who wants to share their life with me. One who is excited to be with me. One who wants to build a fucking rad life together. And with the longing, comes pain. Pain at the realization that I am alone. That my hopes and dreams of a family are all but gone, just hazy whispers of what has been lost. Coming to terms with that is probably the hardest part for me right now.

Those are the things floating around my brain right now. In conclusion, what have a I done? I made the decision to try something new, to follow a several-year-long dream. I made the decision to move to a little volcanic island in the middle of the fucking ocean. I just pray to a hopeful higher power, that I can continue to grow and discover just who the hell I am and how to live fully and completely.

PS - please text me, email me, write me... I miss you.

Thank you!

Dearest Donors,
I cannot express enough how much happiness you gave me this past week! I have been resistant to use DonorsChoose for a while now. For various reasons, ranging from the time it takes to set up, to thinking no one wanted to hear about another thing to feel bad about.

Well, was I amazed at the outpouring of support! I wish I could more accurately describe how I feel about all of you who shared my post, donated to the project, and donated to the general classroom fund! Middle School students and classrooms are frequently forgotten. When people think of "kids" it is the little ones that are often pictured and discussed. Thank you so much for not forgetting my awesome middle schoolers!

I can't wait for the fans and calculators to arrive! I know the kids will be exited to see the new fan! And they always ask to use a calculator to check their work! Now I will be able to fulfill this request, instead of saying, "Sorry, kiddo, we don't have those here."

With the donated general funds, I am looking at books. My classroom has only a handful of books to look at, and those funds will greatly help!

In closing, dear ones, know that you are so appreciated. By me, my students, and the Southeast community as a whole.

With Gratitude,

Ms Angell

The 18th of August

I wonder if he thinks about me today. I honestly doubt it. He moved right on into the arms of our friend. He didn't spend time alone. He went on to have a child. Something he told me he never wanted. I wasn't good enough. Not good enough to tell her "no", to tell our marriage "yes". I asked him, toward the end, to give our marriage a chance by stopping to see her. He said "no".

Over the last week, the vows we made kept creeping into my thoughts. I pushed them away. I remember looking into his eyes as we said our promises. But, he changed his mind. He changed his mind about his marriage to me and having children. It continues, to this day, to break my heart.

He promised to spend his life with me. He didn't. He promised to love and support me. He didn't. He had a lot of my sentimental belongings that he said he would eventually give back to me. He didn't. He was supposed to get my things from his mothers house, he didn't. On a side note, his mother never spoke to me again, even though she'd known me since I was 14, and I was a part of her family for over a decade, I held the hand of her husband, my father in law, as he died because she was too afraid. She never responded to my birthday or Christmas cards I sent. So, I just don't send them anymore. He said he would give me my kitty back, if ever he needed to be rid of him. He didn't. He gave my cat to his friend because I am sure the kitty was a last reminder of the life him and I shared, and they needed to erase me completely. He recently contacted a lawyer to get a hold of me regarding our car titles, didn't even email/text/call me himself, because, still, I am not worthy of a simple or seemingly gentle email.

Today was my wedding anniversary. Now, it is a day that reminds me of profound loss. My life has never been the same since. I am broken and damaged.

Hungry

The ache that I feel is deep. I cannot seem to find the words to truly describe it. It centers around my solar plexus, and oozes out. My bones burn from the heat of it.

The choices I have made as of late, reflects a unsatisfied hunger. It isn't a secret, that I hate how my life has turned out. I hate my divorced self. I hate the body that I live in. This hatred has given rise to an attitude of not really giving any fucks about extra curricular activities I have found myself engaged in. It is as if, I am an outsider looking in. I don't recognize the scenes I find myself in.

My battered and bruised emotional state appears to invite chaos. I get high off the chaos. It is dangerous. Yet, I continue to go back to it, more and more. I don't know how to kick this habit. I can feel myself going through withdrawal. I cry and thrash, and feel dead. The worthlessness that I have been called, feels very real.

So, I suppose in the meantime, I will continue to engage with whatever presents itself as an option, be it unhealthy or not. I can't seem to help it. Again, because I am worthless.

raw

These days have been hard. I spend most of my free time in bed, with the darkness covering me. I was asked recently two questions that caused me pause. "When was the last time you felt happy? What do you do for fun?" I haven't felt happy in a long time. However, I have grown increasingly better at faking it, and perhaps that is why I am so tired at 5pm.

I have lost 14 pounds so far this year. My self worth is directly tied to my body. Many of you have read about my disdain for the body in which I live. I cringe upon passing mirrors, I tug at the clothing the covers it, uncomfortable and annoyed at how they feel on my skin. I just want to shrink away to nothingness. With these few pounds of weight loss has come even more self destructive behavior. With every bite, the hate grows deeper. The roots continue to tangle in my veins. I can almost feel it strangling my very essence of self. While my close friends know of this weight loss, many don't until now. And it doesn't even matter. There is so far to go, and it just feels pointless and never ending. But I am starting to enjoy that emptiness feeling.

The self destruction is easy. The abusive relationships I engage in are a way to punish myself for all the wrong. I took Psych 101, I know what I am doing. To punish myself for how disgusting I have let myself become. Fat, alone, childless, and damaged. I allow these physical and emotional blows. I crave them now, I can't stand who I have become. So when he shows up, I allow it all to unfold however it will. So, don't tell me to stop, for it is clearly what I want and deserve. I detach from myself and live somewhere else, up on the ceiling, covering my eyes, at least until he leaves, where I reenter, and just weep for what I allow, for what hurts, and for how I know I will allow it again.

On this Valentines day, I am reminded, once again, of the touchless life in which I live. I was told about "cuddle con". A convention in Portland about platonic touch and how people were going to cuddle one another. My first thought was "that sounds kinda cool", and only a fraction of a moment later did I think "I would hate to make someone feel like they have to touch me". The touch that comes towards me now is only one of power and aggression. It is a strange dichotomy that I long to be held, and loved, and kissed, and desired, and at the very same time, I shrink away at the thought. There is not one cell in my body that believes anyone would ever want to do any of those things. If for a moment, they did, the thought of someone touching this body disgusts me. The touch that occurs now is not love, I know this. It is abusive, tragic, dark, and wrong. All the things I feel about myself manifested into.

Dear reader or friend, I apologize for the endless misery that I carry around with me. I just needed to or wanted to get some things out into the universe.

What do I Want?

I want to be able to go hiking with friends and not feel embarrassed.
I want to be able to take a walk without feeling winded.
I want to have sex and not feel deep shame about how my body looks and feels.
I want someone to love me.
I want to have children.
I want to love someone fiercely.
I want to own my finances.
I want to travel to France, Spain, Germany, Mexico, Africa, Australia, Norway... and many more.
I want to have money in my savings account.
I want to play music and sing in a band.
I want to take and art class.
I want to take a writing class.
I want to pay off my 2 credit cards.
I want to lose a considerable amount of weight.
I want to start the admin program (I think).
I want to go on a backpacking camping trip.
I want to give and receive more hugs.
I want to be touched more.
I want to be held.
I want to speak confidently.
I want to read more books.
I want to see Crater Lake, the Grand Canyon, The Statue of Liberty, and the town my Grandmother grew up in.

I want to continue adding to this list.

What do you want?