2014, A Year in Review

With the end of 2014 looming close by, I thought it would be a perfect time to do some thinking and reflecting.

The beginning of the year found me still teaching 1st grade. While I loved my colleagues, the families, and especially the little children that greeted me with their hugs and smiles, I found myself becoming more an more unhappy with where the building as a whole was headed. It broke my heart to see the unfortunate and sad changes that were being made, and ultimately led to my decision to leave the first grade classroom (more on this later.)

This year, I took my first international trip to the beautiful Tlaxcala, Mexico for Spring break. I went with my very dear friends, Julia and Luis, who held me in my fears of flying, and everything in general I suppose. While I am feardul of most things, I continue to say "YES" to new adventures, which I believe is a good quality in myself. While in Tlaxcala, I stayed with the Dear Nava's, whose loving kindness cannot be measured. The biggest lesson came from Hugo, "don't be afraid, have courage." I am sure he didn't realize the impact that simple statement would have on me. A statement I won't soon forget. While I was nervous most of the time, and then got a sick "international tummy", I enjoyed the trip immensely.

As the school year inched slowly to a close, I started packing up my classroom. Boxing away the last 3 years. Then, the week before school got out, my life changed dramatically. I became deathly ill. It started out simply enough, a weird pain in my side that didn't let up, went to the ER, they said I had a bit of a kidney stone, told me I would need to contact a dr, and sent me home. Within a few hours of being home, my temperature reached 103 degrees. Needless to say, I was back in the hospital, where I went into toxic shock syndrome. The "bit of a kidney stone" was almost a centimeter across and blocked the function of my right kidney, and when they pulled the stone out, all the toxic yuck was spilled into my system, causing an extreme infection in my whole body. I was technically unconscious but could hear the doctors talk about how they needed to contact the CDC, because they couldn't find an antibiotic to fight the infection. I was dying, and I knew it. I have never felt so vulnerable and weak. Words cannot describe it. I forced myself to lean over on the cell (which took every drop of energy) phone to call my Mom, to tell her that I was going to die, and that I loved her and wanted to make sure she would tell everyone else I loved them. Strangely, I was perfectly at peace with all of that. Miraculously, the doctors found a medicine (the 5th drug) that began to fight the infection, and so would begin my summer of injecting myself into a port in my arm that led to my heart, for almost 5 weeks of antibiotics 3 times a day. A slow, 2 surgeries in all, an exhausting recovery took place. I am so blessed for the doctors who took care of me, and my family and friends who saw me through this. For the first time, as I lay in the hospital bed watching the sunrise, I realized I need to slow down and appreciate the little things.

Shortly after I got the port out of my arm removed, I was invited to go on a "real" camping trip with my lovely friend, Jay. Of course, being the nervous wreck that I am, I agreed without hesitation! I was told there was a bit of a hike. FALSE! It was straight the fuck UP, FOREVER. I am not what one would call "in shape" and after being sick for what seemed to be an eternity, it took me longer than time itself to climb up to the lake. But victory would be mine, along the side of dear Jay who stopped with me along the way so I wouldn't die alone. What a serene place it was. The sweet scent of Oregon forest, the crystal clear waters of Buck Lake, the diamonds that shone at night, and new friends who made me laugh so hard, that peeing and pooping in the open woods into a hole you dug yourself, became the "spirit quest" I was in desperate need of.

My summer break was nonexistent with the exception of that camping trip. So, when a new school year was to start, I felt fairly cheated. Sadness overtook me for a time. I was missing my teacher partner terribly and was scared to face a school year without him. Though, I was excited for the new adventure of middle school and returning to the world of special ed. I cried in the car on the first day of school. I was terrified. SO many changes so fast! When the students arrived, the old familiar feeling of "Pro" returned. I found most things came naturally. While I continue to learn on a daily basis, my love of these students is profound and real.

This is the first year of my life without a boyfriend. I just realized this as I am typing. How strange. While I have had my fair share of adventures in that more personal area, no significant romantic relationship to speak of. Though I long to find courage to face true feelings, as of now, I am independent of a relationship. I still find myself yearning for things past, I suppose there is no time like the present to let go, though it still breaks my heart if I think about it for too long.

Finally, 2014 brought about much time for personal reflection. Many changes that have been mostly embraced. Therefore, dear reader, I leave you with the wish of a happy, strong, and positive new year for you and yours. Cheers!

Enslaved

The questions was posed today, "What enslaves you?"

At first I really couldn't think of anything. As a white woman, with a pretty substantial amount of privilege, I don't usually think of myself as being enslaved by anything. But she pressed on, "Are you enslaved by fear? What about food?"

"HEY! was she talking to just me?" I asked myself.

She continued with her list, "Lust? Social media? Fear of past failure?..." She listed many things, but all those are the ones the stuck out for me, because I think they are the things that trap me.

My biggest enslavement is fear. I am constantly fearing rejection. This started at a very young age, and while I won't bore you with the common details of it all, fear of rejection runs deep. After my divorce, this fear is something I deal with on a daily basis. It is sometimes all consuming. Even listening to her speak, the anxiety was rising in my body. I squirmed and reached for my phone - the ultimate distraction, right in the palm of your hand!

I decided "No." I decided to stay with the feeling of being uncomfortable. I had to tell myself I was still safe, and everything is OK. My mind flashed to a variety of scenes from my marriage. I view my failed marriage as the ultimate of failures. The ultimate rejection. I just cannot seem to let this go. My mind, my body, my heart hold on so tightly to this failure - like a reminder that I am, in fact, a failure. Someone unworthy of love.

It is extremely painful. Dear reader, I write this as only a means of self expression, not looking to you to "fix" me, but for you to maybe understand that deep and profound depression exists in your midst.

Out of all the things I feel enslaved by, fear consumes me. Fear eats me alive. Fear has destroyed me. Sure, there are moments when I can fake it. I can play the part of a "successful woman who has her shit together". When I sit alone, however, I am back at the baseline of someone who truly hates herself.

I am enslaved by the fear and the hate. Perhaps just acknowledging is a good place to start, but I do not see this abhorrent view of myself subsiding any time soon.

Christmas Eve 2013

Let's see... This has been a year of more growing up. I imagine, that is what is supposed to happen as time passes.

Early in the year I was coming into my own as a teacher. I was having amazing results in the classroom, and for the first time in my career, I felt truly proud of myself.  Spring break was spent with some of my most favorite people in the world at the Oregon coast. I am so grateful for the people I work with, well most of them (haha). They support me and have my back, but challenge me to be my best person. We laugh and cry together, and I have never felt such love amongst co-workers.

While the school year came to a close, I was devastated to learn that my administrative team would no longer be part of the school I teach at. This weighed heavy on my heart and mind. I had come to respect and care for this team more than I ever thought I would - I mean, who loves their bosses? I did. They helped me in more ways then they will ever know. This change in leadership forced my own wings to open.

During the summer, I began volunteering as a "Comfort Companion" at a retirement community/nursing home. After my Grampa died on December 26th, I felt a strong calling to be a part of the dying journey. I felt in my heart that no one should ever die alone. Though I haven't been volunteering much since school started, knowing that I am a part of this team of caring and empathetic individuals makes me so proud.

While sitting with one man, his partner of many many years was there also. I was able to witness love  and life in its most pure form. In the end, only love matters.

I learned a lot about love this year... In order to have something that is strong and pure, honesty and trust is key. I learned that I needed to be more honest about myself. I also learned to be far more gentle and understanding. While I seek forgiveness and understanding, I still remain confused and humbled by many things ~ I suppose that is part of being human. Accepting that someone doesn't love you is one of the most difficult things I have ever done, and am still doing.

While I sit at my Grammas, the first Christmas without my Grampa, I ponder about what next year will bring. There are a variety of paths being illuminated, and choosing one will be difficult, though I am fairly certain that traveling will be happening, and I am very excited about that! The challenge this year is to accept the things I cannot change, focus on my own life goals, and love in ways bigger than I ever imagined.

I wish you a Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with hope, love, and grace.

Back-to-School Eve

So many emotions running through me. As teachers, I think we get just as nervous and excited as the kids do. We chose a profession that is relatively thankless as far a paycheck is concerned, but at the same time one of the most rewarding and fulfilling callings, in my opinion, of all time. Even though I have already spent my allotted $75 on supplies, been in more unpaid days than I can count, I still am so looking forward to tomorrow!

A whole new classroom! Full of possibilities & potential! Will they like me? Will I like them? (I joke, of course I will.) Will I be successful? Will I teach them to read and write, add and subtract? Will they fight? I can't wait to hear the hilarious musings of 6 year-olds. Or the first time one of them tells me that they miss their old teacher, because 1st Grade is hard! Or when we all just erupt in laughter. And when one of them, who just hasn't been getting reading, finally puts the pieces together, and we both smile proudly after they have just read their first book by themselves! These, and many more are the moments I live for!

And it must be mentioned that I work with the most incredible team of educators. These passionate individuals give teachers a good name - something that is so often lost in media portrayals of teachers. But these people are for real! The caring, compassion, and dedication to these little people astounds me every day! The amount of support they show me, is immeasurable!

So, here we are again. Another First-Day-of-School, and golly, I am I just so excited! Ready or not! I'll see you all in June!

Slut Shaming

I really wanted to stay out of and away from the "Miley" talks. I honestly did. But with so much being posted all around me, I feel a huge pull to respond. I am sure some of you will disagree with me, but so be it. I just hope, maybe I can give you something to think about.

I didn't watch the VMA's. In fact, I am not totally sure if I have ever actually watched the show. I'd like to think I was at some point that cool, but in reality, I have never been cool enough to care about the VMA's. Fine, I watch the talked about clips, but that is as far as my coolness factor goes. Yeah yeah, not cool at all, we've established that fact.

So all the "shocking" and "disturbing" pics and quotes came flying out into social media as if some major world news event had just happened - like "world hunger solved" or "global warming stopped", but no, this had to do with a young woman, Miley Cyrus, a pop princess and superstar. Still, I must admit, I was curious about what all the hoopla was about.

I watched the "shocking" performance. While watching, I kept waiting for what everyone was talking about. Waiting... waiting... and then the clip ended. I was left feeling sort of cheated, and not sure if I had missed something. I have been wondering what the hell everyone is freaking out about?! And I let it just be, until today.

I am just so annoyed at all the hate spewing about this woman, and the "feel sorry for her" crowd, either for her outfits or her choreographer, whatever excuse, is even more annoying. All this hating on a woman for a performance that was unapologetic. Sex aside, Ms Cyrus owned the night. She has power, and I think that is why everyone is pooping their pants. She had the power to make everyone stop and notice. She isn't a child. She can make choices, and she did, without apology. And for that, I commend her. How awesome it would be if we could all say, "fuck it, I do what I want! and fuck all you haters!"

She performed like a man! She owned her sex. She owned her body. She did what she wanted to do. And our american culture has such a disgusting reputation of shaming women who do such things, especially white women. Black women are just said to be "dangerous" while white women are noted to be sluts or whores - the Magdalene effect I will call it, or is it the Lolita effect? sigh - another blog. Did Ms Cyrus make you feel angry? Well, sweetheart, go out and get you some power!

And let's not forget, there was a man on that stage with her. A man 19 (?) years older than her - do whatever you want with that info, dear readers. I just want to point out that no one is talking about him. No one is discussing his role in that performance, and really, why would they in this culture of ours? He was probably just overcome by the Magdaline in Ms Cyrus  - can we say rape culture? (so many blogs need writing). He was perfectly "allowed" to be sexy and grind up on Ms Cyrus, but holy shit, stop the presses, she looked like she liked it!! (falls on fainting couch).

I think I should make my overall point now. Stop slut shaming. Stop shaming a woman who enjoys her sex. Stop telling women that they can't get down. (I have seen many of you get up on that, and damn, girl, you look hot!). You have every right not to be like Ms Cyrus, however, that gives you no right to tell other women that they are slutty for enjoying their sex. In closing, if you feel the need to slut shame, do yourself a favor, and go get you some power instead of attempting to take the power away from someone else.

Off to get my power... ie: vibrator. teehee.

Happy Marriage Wish

My very dear friend is getting married Saturday. I have a heavy heart because I am unable to attend.

When she first announced her engagement, my initial response was very inwardly selfish. I hated the idea of marriage, weddings, etc. Since divorce, I had become very bitter about the whole "happily ever after" concept, and now considered it foolishness. Naturally, my loud-mouthed self didn't hold back in this expression. I tend to express my "hurt" by joking around or being self deprecating, it is just one of many maladaptive coping skills.

I am not sure of the exact day, but I made some stupid and selfish comment, and I immediately saw the hurt in my friends eyes. And, not sure if this was the same time, or a few days after, but at some point, she told me she didn't want to talk about her wedding stuff with me because she didn't want to make me feel hurt or uncomfortable. What a realization that was! I needed to get my head right.

I really did reflect on what she said. I thought about how I really wanted to be her friend in this. I decided that I needed to put aside my own experience for a moment, and let her have her joy. My selfishness was stealing her joy, and I did not want to be that person. Certainly, I failed, and would make comments that I intended to be funny, but weren't. I tried to catch myself, and became more mindful of my interaction with her and her joy.

All that being said, I am so very very happy that I came to this conclusion - to let her have her joy. It helped heal me - sure, more selfishness, but whatever, cut me some slack, dear reader!

Over these past several months, I have seen my friend blossom into a beautiful bride! We have shared stories, laughed, and cried about the past and the future. We lamented about our insecurities, we held each other up while weak, and rejoiced in our success. I was honored to share in dress fittings and bridal discussions. This bride gave me a gift that I can never repay. The gift of experiencing my past and sharing my own wedding stories without the sting of sarcasm, only with the bitter-sweetness that comes from lost love. I write this letter in full knowledge that my marriage failed. Many things written in this letter I didn't do, I just didn't know any better. "I do" now...

My Dear Friend,
I wish you all the joy that comes with having a partner at your side. Wake up, look at him while he sleeps, and soak it in. Touch him gently, and remember his softness. Breathe him in, stroke his face and love him. Do not forget yourself. Remember to love yourself. Know that you are more beautiful that words can express. You are each a gift to the other.

You will certainly get upset and even angry. Know that you are human, that he is human, and that you are both fallible. Try and remember to be soft in these times. Do not let anger build walls. I do not believe in the "don't go to bed angry" rule - because sometimes, our partners can be real jerks! With that said, I also believe in not letting too much time pass, for it makes us bitter. Forgive, and move on.

Work on your marriage, everyday! Marriage is the hardest job you will ever have. Say "Thank you", even for the simplest of things, even after years and years, say "Thank you". Appreciate one another. Be grateful for the partnership you build, and express this gratitude - with words, songs, trinkets, and presence - also presents are good too.

Talk, and talk, and talk, and then talk some more. Know one another. Tell him your darkest and deepest fears, desires, hopes, and dreams, create safe space for him to express his - it will likely be more difficult for him, be patient. Breathe when it feels like he has nothing to say, for he does, please, just wait and hold space for him. He needs you to have faith in him.

Above all else, love fully and completely, foolishly and without abandon! Be silly and adore one another. Laugh, a lot. Hold hands and kiss in public. Be each others rock and cornerstone, but trust one another enough to call bullshit when it needs calling. Listen and hold one another, and remember your wedding day.

I love you and best wishes!
Amy Angell

Thank you, Friends.

Waking up this morning, I am choosing to feel mostly blessed.

Yesternight I had the joy of opening my home to my friends, something I have not been able to do for years now - with divorce and constantly moving, and general malaise of self, I just hadn't been in a space, physically or mentally, to throw a gathering.

In years past, get togethers, planned by ex-spouse and myself, always made me feel incredibly stressed out. I was a bitch the day of, I even warned him and any others close by, that I was a force to be reckoned with until the party started. It was bad. I remember the feeling in my stomach I would get, like someone was constantly punching me in the gut. Looking back, WHY?!? I guess I just remember wanting everything to be "perfect". Why? I don't know, this and many other things are why I am in therapy, so cut me some FRIGN SLACK!

This time, it was different. I woke up late, puttered around, lazily drank coffee, all things that were TOTALLY new in the realm of "it's get-together day!" Then, with Katy Perry (not my musical choice, FYI) blasting in the background, my roommate and I cleaned, tidied, organized, and prepped, for the first get together at the house, and we did so all while laughing. With all this smiling, I kept wondering to myself when Bitch-Self was going to be making her appearance. I had to run errands, go to the store, pick up friends... still waiting... And then people were here, but Bitch-Self never showed! In fact, I just felt happy and joyful that these special people chose to spend their time with me.

And how beautiful they were. The coming together, to share time, food, and stories. To see the wondrous smiles on their faces, to hear the giggles of their children. All shared with me. How am I worthy of such bounty?! That people will set aside all that is going on in their worlds, and choose to spend a few hours with me is an incredible blessing.

Thank you to all who joined me last night.